Red Pencil Diaries

My son was playing Weebles. He puts one Weeble on this "carousel" thing and pushes the button and he spins around and around. He watches for awhile, then gets up and stands in the middle of the floor and starts spinning and laughing and smiling until he falls in a heap in front of me, giggling.

Then he wants me to get up. But I'm queasy, so I say no. He proceeds to pick up his Curious George doll and takes him over. He sits him down at his side, and proceeds to play with his Weebles, occasionally leaning over and babbling something to George.

It's beautiful. I love him. I start to cry tears of joy. He's my little boy. And he's the most amazing little person. I've never known anything more wonderful in my life than my child. Sometimes I just wonder, "Will I feel this amazed, this much in love with my second child?" I am sure I will. Or at least, I hope I will. How could I not?

I've been in somewhat of a funk lately. I'm pregnant. But I can't get excited about it. I used to be excited. Now I'm just anxious and nervous and scared. I laid in bed crying the other night over all the overwhelming things I will have going on with this pregnancy. Unknown things, mostly, which is what scares me most. I try to think positively, and Dave reminds me that worrying doesn't help at all. I've laid around the house for days, sometimes not wanting to shower. But today I've felt better. Coming around the bend, I guess. Maybe it was a sudden influx of hormones. All I know is that I've had moments where I haven't exactly felt like myself.

But tomorrow is Thanksgiving. And I am thankful for so many things. My family. Zack, Dave, Pebbles. The rest of my family. All of my wonderful friends who despite my strange moods are still my friends (right?) and will stand by me through all this (right??). I'm thankful for our big fabulous home (which will someday be FABULOUS, I promise. It's just not there yet. But I have vision!). Thankful for this pregnancy and my amazing doctors.

There's a lot to be thankful for. And I shouldn't be so scared. What happens happens. And I won't know for sure what will happen until it does. So I'm going to try not to worry. And I'll try to keep my eyes toward tomorrow.

I have very little energy these days. Some days are better than others. I'm sleeping well. I go to bed around 11:30 and sleep until 8:30 or 9 am. I do get up to pee at least once per night, though.

I have things I need/want to do. *sigh* I've been promising Webhamstress I'd come over while she unpacked for almost two weeks now. I apologize. Yesterday I laid on the couch half the day waiting for the stove repair guy. He finally showed up a half hour after I'd laid Zack down for a nap--and a half an hour into my own personal nap. I must have looked very dazed and confused when I answered the door.

Last night I made Dave go to the grocery with me. We bought a turkey and cranberries and stuffing ingredients for next week's big feast. By the time we got to the checkout lane, I wanted to lie down in the aisle and sleep. I've also cut way back on my caffeine intake, which I think is also making me even more sleepy. But I'll get over it soon. At least I hope I will. I can't imagine feeling like this all the time.

I've done a lot of my shopping for Christmas online.  I'm nearly finished with my shopping. I made an exact list of whom I was buying for and gave each name a monetary total. I am not to exceed that amount. It's made shopping a lot easier. I used to just buy things I liked for nieces and nephews, and then later went back and spent more to even out the amounts I spent on each of them. Having a fixed price has made me really think about how much I'm spending. I need to shop for Dave, still, though. But I think I know what I'm getting him. I just need the energy to go and get it.

*yawn* At this rate, I'm going to spend half my pregnancy laying around even though I'm not on bedrest! I need a nap. I hope Zack winds down soon...

I'm sitting here watching Sesame Street with Zack. There are a pair of his jeans on the couch that were too big. He goes over, pulls them up over his pajama pants, and walks around the living room in them. Of course, they fit over top of his pajamas. But I'm just impressed that he got his legs in right and pulled them up! He dressed himself--sort of!

So I'm doing ok. Feeling queasy today. I've been doing better lately. But I have a lot of congestion today, so I think that's adding to the queasiness.  I'm waiting for the stove repair guy to come and replace the motor on the exhaust fan on our stove. I feel sleepy. It's grey and rainy outside, so I wanted to just stay in bed this morning. Hopefully the stove guy shows up soon so I can nap when Zack takes his nap today. For some reason, I'm super tired.

No, not like you think. When I was pregnant with Zack, I joined a support group for women with incompetent cervix issues, like myself. I practically lived through that board for months while I was on bedrest. And I've kept up my postings on that board and another new board since Zack was born.

But lately, I've felt more... annoyed... by the boards than I guess, encouraged. I don't know what has caused my change in feeling, but maybe it's just difficult for me to keep reading about others problems--it causes more stress than just dealing with my own issues. Maybe once I get into this pregnancy further, I will change my mind. Maybe then I will need more support from women going through similar situations. Or maybe I just feel the need for more "real" support? I guess I'll see how it goes.

Well, I woke up this morning with a super huge sinus headache. It's beginning to feel better, and strangely enough, I felt hungry. So Zack and I had some grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. And even more surprisingly, I haven't felt the urge to purge it. Yet. I only say "yet" because I don't want to jinx myself.

It's an absolutely beautiful day. Maybe after our naps, Zack and I will head outside. I haven't wanted to even take a shower much all week. I mean, it's been so bad, I haven't even wanted to shop--and that is BAD b/c I will shop even when sick.

Now for something completely off topic--I'm watching Design  Cents on HGTV, and the lady made a "computer cozy" to hide a laptop that sits on the desk b/c it's "unsightly." Yeah. Whatever. Like the homeowner is really gonna cover his laptop with a cozy!!?! Some designers are just too strange. lol

I can't believe it... John Yarmuth (D) beat Anne Northup in Louisville. And here in Indiana, Baron Hill (D) beat Mike Sodrel... I showed up. I voted. I felt that my democratic  vote in this completely red state was almost futile. But now, I know it was definitely worth my while to show up. Oh, and my county also voted to allow casino boat gambling. Woohoo! Think they'll just tow the Caesar's boat down here?

Thanks to those of you who have offered to sit for Mr. Zack. I do appreciate all offers. And someday, I hope to be able to take you up on them. My dilemma now is that because I am home with Zack 24 hours a day, every day, he can't stand to be away from me. In a store, if he's in the cart with Daddy and I wander around the corner, he screams "Mommmmmmaaaaaa!" until I answer him. It's gotten ridiculous. I didn't realize how attached to me he is.

So I'm really really scared to leave him here with Dave's mom. He's only seen her a handful of times in his life. And hasn't seen her at all in months. So I am hoping she will make her presence more plentiful in the next few weeks so he won't be freaked out when/if she watches him. I've also instructed Dave that Indy isn't too far away, so he should come home in the evenings and stay with Zack and then come back the next day. I should only be in the hospital for 3 or 4 days. It won't be so bad.

I'm still scared about it, though.

And now morning sickness has hit in a big way. Mostly in the evenings, though. I got sick tonight right after I got Zack in bed. Ugh.

Today we had Zack's birthday with my family. We had pizza and cake and cupcakes. Zack was born on my mom's and my brother-in-law's birthdays, so we celebrated them all together! Zack got a really cool wagon from my mom and dad. And he got the cutest bouncing Tigger from my nephew--who bought it with his own money and wrapped it too! (he's only 5). My brother got him this cute "hover craft" boat for bathtime. Zack loves winding it up. Then he makes me wind it up. I must have done this 100 times with him tonight! My sister got Zack several things, including his favorite--a toy tool set. He's been "taking things apart" and "working on them" all night. We got Zack a very cool new tricycle. He loves it, but it's the first thing he's had that peddles, so he's not getting very far on it yet. But he'll learn! Tonight he's had me pulling him around the house in his wagon. I moved the dining room table out of the way, and we would go through there to the kitchen, back to the entry hall, then into the livingroom, making a big circle. He cackled and had such a good time!

It's been a super good day, despite the puking. I think I'll go to bed soon. I need my rest!

Tomorrow begins my days of many doctor visits. It will be my first OB appointment, and part of me is really excited because I think they may do an early ultrasound to confirm all is well. But I'm also just not looking forward to it because I know it is the start of a long 9 months of doctor visits and poking and prodding and sticking me with needles, etc. And going to the doctor tomorrow confirms all my upcoming fears of surgery and what is to come. I'm scared. Terrified. And exhuberant.

I think Dave is staying home with Zack while I make the trek. I wish he could come with me, but it's too hard to find a sitter mid-day. For important doctor visits, though, I guess Zack will just have to tag along. We're still in debate over what to do with Zack while I have my surgery in Indy. Dave has talked to his mom about coming down to watch him. I've reluctantly agreed, but I want Dave to come home in the evenings to be with him. I would just worry too much about him missing us and being too upset--this will be for at least 3 days or so. I guess we'll see how it works out. *sigh*