Red Pencil Diaries

Early this morning, Dave and I were awakened by our house shaking. We jumped up, thinking something had exploded or hit our house. We looked out the windows and all I could see (without my glasses on) were tree limbs in the road. I thought "could it be a bad storm?" But Dave barreled out the front door. He had the phone and was already on with the 911 operator when he walked back up the driveway. He'd seen a body part in our driveway, and once I had my glasses on, I could see debris and carnage for blocks. There was a wheel and axle in our front yard and Dave told the operator that he couldn't tell if it was a car, an airplane, a spaceship. Twisted metal lay up and down the road, in yards. Pieces of trees all over mixed with the pieces of metal debris. And the main part of the victim was in our neighbor's front yard. The police arrived and covered up the pieces with sheets. At first, we couldn't tell if it was one car or several. We stood on the porch, watching the scene with awe and disbelief. It was like an episode of CSI was going on right in front of us. Eventually, we went back into the house and attempted to get more sleep. The police chief knocked on our door and told us that basically, our yard and driveway were part of the homicide investigation (a crime scene) and we couldn't go into the front yard or driveway or drive on it until they had cleared the area. The had blocked our road for about a 1/4 mile. At 8 am, the doorbell rang--Dave and I managed to get another couple of hours of sleep. It was the grievance counselor/psychologist from the police department. She wanted to talk to us about the traumatic experience. She told us to watch out for each other. The kids woke up and by then, the messiest parts (people parts) had been cleaned, but debris was everywhere. The electrical pole he hit was broken and a truck came to replace it. Zack watched and then watched them scrape up more debris. Street sweepers swept away the rest and then they came by and the firefighters noticed more small pieces by the mailbox. They placed them in a biohazard bag and took them away, followed by pouring bleach onto parts of the driveway. It was just an unbelievable experience. It still doesn't seem real. Perhaps if it all really did sink it, I might be way more disturbed.

Awhile back, I read another mom's blog about the crazy things she says each day. Here are a few lines of my own mom lingo from this week...

* Lola, I can talk to Daddy if I want to.
* We don't eat money.
* Where does poop go?
* Yes, Zack, if you tell on someone repeatedly for something that didn't hurt you, that's tattling!
* But you just said you wanted to wear those shoes!
* You can't wear shoes to bed.
* Pick up every single toy from the stairs!
* Remember to flush!
* Why is the refrigerator door open again?
* Who left YoGos in my bed?
* I hope that's just pudding.

I know that for me to truly feel happy and respected and successful, I need more than what I am doing now. I love my children. I adore them. I work hard to make our home nice and keep everything in order for us as a family. But for me, I need more. I recognized that awhile ago. So why can't I figure out what to do about it?

I've tried finding a job. Having a place to go where I do work and feel accomplished and respected would probably do wonders for me. Although, I know there is also a lot of stress involved, I do miss going to work. But I cannot find a job. Much less a rewarding career.

I read an article today that the average salary in the U.S. is $32,000. The jobs they posted in that range all required a high school diploma or GED and some training. Not one of them required a degree. I have a degree, training, and years of experience. So why can't I find a job that pays even that much? It's amazingly frustrating. More than one year searching, applying, and interviewing. I've had offers. They just don't pay enough for me to even cover child care costs.

Some people say the recession is baloney. That 10% unemployment means nothing because 90% of the people are still working. But seriously.... what about those of us who want to work but can't find a job? Or those like Dave who have a job, but are making tons less than they used to before a layoff? I just wish the recession would end. Maybe then it won't be so hard to find that rewarding career that I so long for. And maybe we will also be able to afford to finally finish this house and buy a new family-sized car. Here's to hoping!