Red Pencil Diaries

Today we were driving down i-65 and Zack saw a "trike" style motorcycle (three wheels). He loved it, and then said "when it's Father's Day again, we need to get one of those for Daddy. He can drive it to work!." Of course, Lola chimed in "yeah!" As if she had a clue what she was agreeing with. It was just so sweet that he was thinking of Daddy and the whole motorcycle deal was funny.

Later, we're at the thrift store, and somehow I'm scammed into buying them toys. Lola ended up with a Dora purple "pack pack" (what she calls a backpack) and a Cabbage Patch Doll, while Zack picks out a Tonka digger type toy that resembles a mechanical dinosaur--we later add batteries and it tells us its name is Chomper.

Lola first finds the Cabbage Patch doll, hugs it, and says "Momma. I wub it. I wub it!" She proceeds to carry it down two aisles hugging it until I'm so overwhelmed by the cuteness that I agree to the purchase ($3). Then Zack says he needs something too. Of course, the mechanical dinosaur digger has eyes and a mouth and arms, and "track" legs. Zack sweetly insists that it looks like a pet, and he needs a pet for himself. *sigh* I'm such a sucker. The Dora "packpack" was a find by Zack for Lola, and Lola put it on and wore it through the store. Again, how cute is that? I need to put my foot down. No more duping momma with the cuteness! Please???

Dave and I packed up and went to Vegas last week. The kids stayed at his mom and dad's house. Our flight was supposed to leave at 4:25 pm on Wednesday, but ended up being delayed because of storms in Chicago. We finally got in the air around 5:40 pm. We landed in Chicago and ran across the airport to make our flight to Vegas, which lasted more than 4 hours. When we finally landed, it was after 11 pm home time, but only around 8 in Vegas. We checked into our hotel and ran downstairs for some food--we hadn't eaten much other than crackers and some nuts since breakfast. Then, we sat down at a $.25 slot machine in the casino at our hotel. I put in $3 and amazingly won the progressive jackpot--$395! After that, Dave and I headed out to survey the area. We'd been to Vegas several times before, but it had been years. So much had changed. Next to our hotel is under major construction--several blocks of land will soon hold the City Center. Hotels, apartments, timeshares, and retail and restaurants. It is amazingly big and unbelievable. We also discovered that Aladdin hotel had become Planet Hollywood. We actually really had a great time in that area--tons of shopping and shows, plus it was almost across the street from Monte Carlo, where we were staying. We hiked up and down the strip in the incredible heat--topped at around 107 degrees on Saturday. We carried bottles of water with us everywhere. We also discovered the double-decker air-conditioned buses provided $7 day passes for rides up and down the strip. We used that for a couple of days. We ranked the best overall meal-value at the Dan Marino restaurant inside the Hooters complex. $9.95 meal consisted of a huge portion of beef brisket for me, ribs and chicken for Dave plus garlic mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. Yum. The absolute best breakfast buffet was the Spice Market Buffet at Planet Hollywood. And the most unbelievable (and most pricey) dinner buffet was at Bellagio--they even have Kobe beef prime rib on the buffet. Tons of food that tastes incredibly delicious. It ran us about $35 per person and we ate so much that I felt ill the rest of the night. But wow--it was seriously a beautiful and scrumptious feast! Cab fair and show costs have both gone up! We were shocked to pay $25 for a cab ride from the airport to the Monte Carlo. We ended up skipping the pricier shows (although we considered buying the half price tickets at one of those places that sells seats left over on the day of a show) in favor of a reasonably priced VIP seat to a great comedy show. We sat in the second row and even though the comedian (Dan Barnhardt) picked on Dave as a married man, he was super nice and gave Dave a free tshirt and even autographed it after the show! Dave and I discovered yummy gelato at Caesar's Palace--but it was also quite expensive, go figure. But the whole trip was so worth it. After months of having such intense stress and frustration, we spent some real quality time together. No yelling, no diaper changing, no cutting up someone's meal while they scream. We slept in, stayed up late, wandered around, and talked. In the middle of the city that never sleeps, we found relaxation and togetherness.

Most days, I don't feel like a good mom. I feel like I try. I go through the motions of "mom" things, but often, I feel like I've somehow not met up to some standard. But lately, I've come to realize that there aren't really any set standards. I try. I do what I can. Sure, maybe I can't be outside with my kids all day. And maybe I bribe them with a treat on occasion. And I probably buy them too many toys. And yeah... I don't feed them meals that are 100 percent healthy every day. But I think they are mostly happy. And they are healthy. And best of all, they are loved. So I am going to try not to beat myself up for not meeting some imaginary standard. Instead, I'm just going to keep trying to do what I can.

Dave and I spent way too much time together. We got on each others' nerves a lot. A lot. We argued. We tried to escape to opposite corners of the house. And then he suddenly got a job offer last week, which he accepted. And then on Sunday, he left to go to Chicago for a training class that would last all week. I realize now... I miss him so much. I'm sure it's good for us to have time apart. It's just been a shock not having him around at all. Not here at night, so I don't sleep well. The kids miss him--they've had Daddy home for months now to do what they want! Not here when it's storming and the wind is blowing too hard. Not here when I can't open a jar or when I can't figure out a computer-related problem. Not here to back me up when the kids won't listen--although I did manage to "conjure" him up on Skype this evening and through "video conferencing," Zack managed to get the clue and he cleaned up his toys. Yes, when he gets home on Friday, I'll be ever so thankful and happy. And I realize now, if we are ever in that situation again, when we're both forced to be at home together a lot, we just need to make a point to each get out and away for a day or so. Give each other some breathing room and have more to talk about than financial issues. It's important. And I love him. Sooooo much.

I was the size of a small Silverstream camper. I hobbled slowly but surely into Norton Suburban hospital when it was so early that the sun was not yet up. I remember wearing my hot pink faux croc flip flops--the ones with the gawdy pink rhinestones on them--because no other shoes would fit my swollen feet. But at around 8 am, I gave birth to Ms. Lola Beatrice. I cannot believe it has been two years! She's such a beautiful little girl. Still my baby. Blue eyes shining up at me. She's my baby. Always.

Dave got a call about a potential job Tuesday night. I was skeptical, because this guy had already called him twice in prior months. But instead, they actually called him back Wednesday and offered him a position. We are over the moon!

Last night, we drove to Horseshoe Casino for dinner to celebrate--sounds weird, I know, but Dave loves the buffet and we hadn't been in forever. We took the kids and they loved the ceiling with clouds and all the choices for food. We walked around for a bit after, and Dave got the idea that we would take turns and each go on the "riverboat" and gamble $5 each. I had $6 in dollar bills, so I went first. I spent $3 on the $.25 machines, winning $15 on my last spin. I cashed out and walked away, but on my way off the boat, I spied a $1 slot machine. I put in my $3, and ended up winning $42 more dollars! I cashed out my winnings and made it back to Dave and the kids within 10 minutes. Dave went on the boat next and spent $5, winning $52, but then continuing to gamble that amount until he lost it all! We still went home about $3 ahead since my winnings covered our dinner and what we spent each to gamble.

When I got home, I received a call from Personal Opinion, and now I've been selected to do a study with them for a week, paid! Woohoo.

Yes, yesterday was an amazingly good day. I'm still smiling today. Such relief and just overall happiness. It's been a long 6 months of joblessness.

It's been a month. We still don't have jobs. Things still pretty much suck. I'm trying to keep myself in a positive mood. Not much else is new. I mowed the front yard today. Dug up some "trees" and weeds that were growing near some bushes out front and didn't need to be there. Oh, and yesterday, Lola peed on the potty! She followed me into the bathroom and wanted to sit on the potty, so I helped her take off her diaper. I thought it was cute and funny. But she actually peed! Today, though, I couldn't get her to do a repeat performance. But we're starting out pretty good. Just gotta get the momentum (and the want) going.

Just a couple more weeks until my baby girl turns 2. I can't believe it. But she's just so darn cute and funny. I'm starting to love the little toddler she's become. She talks, won't shut up. And Zack graduated from preschool last Friday. He will be going to preschool again this fall since his birthday is in November--he missed the cut off date for kindergarten. But we have applied for him to go to public preschool. I hope he gets in.

Can't think of much else that's changed. Daily grind. Me writing some freelance stuff. Dave and I both combing job listings and hitting up everyone we know for leads. One or the other of us always has an interview or phone interview. Then nothing. I'm kind of numb to it now. I don't have hope or expectations. I guess if one of us does actually get a job, I'll pass out from shock. Who knows.

I'm smiling right now. I'm forcing it onto my face, hoping it will make me feel normal instead of the way I've felt for half the day. Yep... still the downright pathetic version of myself that I have been the past few weeks.

I managed to ruin a giant load of laundry today. Somehow a crayon got mixed in and melted onto everything in the whole load. I used to brag about how many items of clothing I could fit into my new washer. Now, I'm sad that I fit that many things in, just to ruin them. We're experimenting with WD40 and mineral spirits to get the crayon out. I'm kicking myself for not having found the crayon before it all went into the dryer. We simply can't afford to lose that many pieces of clothing.

I read an article today about how people tend to get depressed and resentful once they are forced to cut back. It's true. I hate the feeling. I want to get back to being the mostly happy family. I feel stupid now for complaining back a few months ago over the stupid shit. If I'd known how bad it would get, I'd have been so much happier with what I had.

Dave had accepted a one-month contract job. He was going to have to spend most of each week in Evansville, but the pay was too good to pass up. Well, he went today, and the one-month thing turned into a two-day gig. And the pay won't be that good.

I had an interview last week. It was for a warehouse job. I haven't heard back about a second interview. The guy interviewing me seemed reluctant, or hesitant to keep my resume in the running because I had no previous warehouse experience and why, why did someone with a degree want this job? I was honest and told him that my family needed me to go back to work to pay the bills. He explained that even if I got the job, he'd have to start me at the low-end of the pay range. I was never told what the pay range was, but the recruiter said I would be on the high-end... and what she quoted to me almost made me not want to go to the interview. But a job is a job. It would be slightly better than minimum wage. So that's a plus. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Plus, it had benefits. So it ain't all bad. Right?

I'm sure many of you have long ago tired of my rants and complaints about the economy. In the first months, we could kid ourselves into thinking that we'd both have jobs soon and it was just a small glitch, a blip on the road back to financial recovery. But lately, it's really begun to settle in. Being the ones without work, with a mortgage, two kids, and a home equity loan looming over your heads... it's not fun. There is not much time for joy.

We thought taking a "family" day trip might help. We had a nice day in Indy on Saturday at the Children's Museum. We forgot our worries for a few hours. The kids had so much fun. We laughed and played and walked until our legs were exhausted. But then we came back home to all the same troubles.

We're in month five of joblessness. It's now that I have begun to wake up every day in fear. Unemployment may be extended, but it barely covers our mortgage payment. The severance pay has run out. My freelance writing pays a little, but they send paychecks out about 45 days after I give them an invoice, so it takes awhile to receive get the money. Plus, they don't take out taxes, so I should be keeping aside nearly half of each check to pay my taxes with, but we need the money so badly right now, that I can't.

Every day, we argue. We don't mean to be so crabby. We don't mean to sound so down. We want to be happy again. People who have jobs just don't get it. Why can't one of us just take a job? No one will hire us. I even tried to get on at Walmart. Interview after interview leaves me with no job offers. I've applied for nearly 75 jobs since December. No offers. Dave has applied for probably double that many.

And now we talk about the house. Will we sell it? We may have to extend our search and look in larger cities. Our house will never sell. We'll lose too much money. And sometime soon, the word bankruptcy will come into play. It's not a matter of if, but when.

I want to make it all go away. I want to get back to boring normal. I just don't know how or when. When will things get better? Does anyone know for sure?

Last week, I had one big job interview. It was a managing editor position. I thought the interview went well, but I did not get a call back from them on Wednesday (as they had promised they would do *if* I would be asked back for a second interview). I also had an hour-long phone interview for a technical writing job. I received a call from my recruiter the following day that the writer whom had interviewed me loved my personality, but the hiring manager didn't think I was qualified since my writing samples weren't technical enough. *sigh* I've kind of been feeling down every since. Dave still hasn't found a job. And I can't seem to score one either! I know I'm qualified. I know I can do these jobs. What is it about me that people aren't willing to take a chance? I perhaps the fact that I've not worked in 5 years. Oh well. Maybe I will get a call for an interview from that Hotel Housekeeping Manager job I applied for...